LGBT – Emma Has Two Moms

Happy National Coming Out Day!

October 11, 2018October 12, 2018Emma Has Two Moms

October 11th

Many people think of today as just another day in October. Not to me though, today marks two very important things that should be celebrated; National Coming Out Day and my birth aka “My Literal Coming Out into the World Day.”

I honestly couldn’t tell you the specific dates that I came out because to be honest there were too many to remember. I can remember the feelings of being different to when I was 5 & 6 when I would play house with my sister and cousins and I was always the dad (even though there was a boy there too). I didn’t know what gay was specifically until I was in my early double digits and I finally found a word that fit me. The issue with that though is I grew up with a Catholic family and when it was mom’s weekend and we would go to Catholic mass with my grandparents and I nonchalantly was taught gay isn’t ok. Then as I got to my early teens I attended Catholic programs for sacraments and I just buried that part of me even further. Unbeknownst to my family, I was a very unhappy, suicidal preteen who had a secret that I was ashamed of and couldn’t see how that life would be ok to live. It wasn’t until high school where I started to really grow up and grow into myself that I became more comfortable with who I really was. Now did anyone know throughout those years, that would be a big fat NO except for the two girls I secretly “dated” senior year. And by “dated” I mean we would have sleepovers, make out a little and call it a day. Nobody knew but us, and nobody need to know as far as I was concerned. I knew all of the stereotypes and heard all of the homophobic comments from friends and family so I kept that part of me to me. Now did people have their suspicions, that would be a big fat YES, did I acknowledge those suspicions, hell no. Acknowledging those suspicions lead to fear that I wouldn’t be accepted and I would rather live my life with a secret then live my life without the people I loved in it.

My second year of college is when a new round of coming out happened; I decided that I was going to live the life I wanted to live and be somewhat open about it. I was now in a good place mentally and felt great about who I was, with the help of a very, very wonderful gay best friend. I was finally ready to tell my parents and select people in my life I knew I wouldn’t lose. Telling my mother was one of the hardest things I think I have ever had to do in my life. It took a year to work up the courage to talk to her, I spent 5 hours practicing a speech, but the second I looked at her to say those words my voice was gone and my mouth wouldn’t work. I was so nervous that the way I “told” her was writing the words “I am gay” on a pad of paper. I wrote it with such force that you could still read the imprint on the following 5 pages (which were quickly thrown in the trash). It was hard, but it happened, I was finally out to the most important person in my life. We had a long conversation, many tears were shed from the both of us; happy and sad. Ultimately, even though it was hard, she accepted me for who I am and loves me. We agreed that I needed to tell my dad that same day because she couldn’t live with that secret either. Yet again, when it came to telling him my mouth didn’t work; my mom told him that I had a secret and my dad, being a dad, asked if I was pregnant, had a boyfriend, or had a girlfriend. Luckily for me he spelled it out and I didn’t have to play charades or ruin another pad of paper to let him know. Just like my mom, though without nearly as meany tears, he accepted me. I made the decision not to tell my younger siblings and the rest of my family at the time because I knew it would be much harder for me and them but knowing I had the support of both of my parents allowed me to be happy and open to the rest of the world.

From there I joined the Pride Club at my college, I learned so much about the community, activism, and mostly myself. I was no longer ashamed as I heard stories from my peers who went through the same struggles of coming out, I was proud that we all were able to make it to this point where we were gay, in every meaning of the word. That round of coming out turned out to be one of the most important things; because in that club is where I met my future wife, Diana, who the second I saw her, I knew I would do most anything to make a part of my life for the rest of my life. Slowly I was coming out to everyone; family, friends, people I had just met and I was so excited that I was able to be me for once. Now, living this life has not been all sunshine and rainbows, there were many people in my life that couldn’t and still cannot accept me for who I am and who I love and I feel sad and sorry for both them and myself. I lost one of my best friends because they don’t “approve” of my life choices and though I argue it’s not a choice I made one day, it’s who I am, it still didn’t make things ok for them.

Even now, 11 years after my coming out, I have to make the conscious decision daily to come out to those I have never met. I have to tell people that I have a wife, not a husband and no my daughter doesn’t have a Daddy, she has two Mommies. To be told that it isn’t healthy, safe, normal, or ok to raise a child the way we do hurts more than anything I have ever had to deal with in my coming out journey. I spend time out of my day educating others that my daughter will be just fine, and any future son we may have will be the same without a father, they have plenty of strong male role models called their grandfathers and uncles. And if they want to play catch and watch football I will be there, if they want to learn to chug a beer, that’s for their Mama to teach them (I think beer is yucky, the wife thinks the opposite), if they want to learn how to be a good human being, that is exactly what we will do. A child doesn’t need a mother and father to grow up to be normal, they need love and support and to grow up in a world that doesn’t shame them. That’s why this day is important, it is important to acknowledge yourself and be acknowledged by others. So today I congratulate all those who came out and who come out every day, I hear you, I see you, you are normal, and you are loved. As said in my favorite halloween movie, “Being normal is vastly overrated.”

Emma, I am your Father

August 23, 2018August 24, 2018Emma Has Two Moms

Figuring out the legality of how having two moms worked was a stream of confusion up until the day she was here. On July 9, 2015, same-sex marriage became legal in the United States and a year later we got married on our 6 year anniversary. With this law change you would think that it would change laws regarding parentage, adoption, and the legality of a same-sex couple having kids; this did not happen unfortunately at the time we had Emma. Things did not change until September 2017 when a court case brought to the Arizona Supreme Court ruled that a married same-sex couple has the same legal parental rights. In our state we have a law called the “Assumption of Parentage” which in basic terms states if a couple is married for 10 months prior to birth it is assumed that the husband is the biological father and takes on all legal rights over the child. The Supreme Court Ruling made it so the law is gender neutral and applies to married same-sex couples who went into the journey of making a biological child.

Unfortunately, because all of the lovely law changes above happened AFTER we had Emma things did not go as smoothly as we wanted. We did our research and found that at the time only California and New York had birth certificates that did not state Mother & Father, instead Parent & Parent. We were very close to take leave from our jobs early and find a physician in California that would see us prior to the birth and take us on as patients solely for the birth of our child so we could both be on the birth certificate. After deciding this was not an option emotionally, physically, or financially we decided to stay in AZ for the birth. We looked up lawyers using the Arizona Pride Guide because we knew we needed someone with real experience in this situation who knew about LGBT laws. We also reached out to both the ACLU and HRC to get a little more information. We found one lawyer who had a free “information giving” email so we contacted them to get more info. Once we received our response things got even worse from there. The lawyer wanted a huge $1600 fee solely for a consultation and the information they gave us hadn’t been updated since the marriage ruling so her information was null and void and the fee was a no go for us. In the meantime we received information from the ACLU regarding the “assumption of parentage” law and we knew that if something ever did happen in the future we could use that law in our or my favor. We put in numerous calls to the state, the hospital we were giving birth in, and finally the department of health services. The state referred us to the other two we contacted; the hospital referred us to DHS. Finally we received information from Vital Records within DHS; they said that I could be put as the “Father” on Emma’s birth certificate and that Diana would remain “Mother” because she gave birth.

The look on people’s faces when I say that I’m the Father is fantastic, especially when I add that I got her pregnant (see the Making Emma Pt 1 for reference) it makes things even more comical for myself. Now when filling out paperwork for Emma’s school or a physician’s office if there are only spots for Mother & Father, I have to put my information down as Father. Typically I will cross out the word “Father” and write in “Mother” because people get real confused when they see the three of us at an appointment and don’t know who is who when we pass her back and forth or I answer questions but Diana is holding her. If I had a nickel for the amount of times I have been told I’m such a great friend/family member for being so involved in Emma’s life, I would be rich and have no need to work for a living. Luckily for us, once we explain who we are, we haven’t really had too much of an issue from the offices we go to or her school. The big issue was figuring out how this will translate for the rest of her life and how this legally protects us as a family going forward. Per DHS, due to me legally being on the birth certificate and our marriage being legally recognized in the US we have no issue here on American soil. I legally can’t be thrown out of a hospital room where she is being treated or not be counted as her parent anywhere. An issue would only arise should we travel outside of the US to a country that does not recognize same-sex marriage. There it would be a completely different issue and we could have problems where I would not be recognized as her parent. For us though, we have no future plans to visit anywhere that doesn’t recognize our marriage because we don’t feel those are safe places to be.

We have toyed with the idea of me legally adopting Emma should we need to in the future. Currently there isn’t a need for us to go through that process, we are putting that decision off until we have another child or plan a major trip out of the country. When we did our initial research due to the way we had Emma, the only adoption we could do would be “Step-Parent Adoption” which states Diana and I would have to be married for longer than 6 months and I would have to be involved in the child’s life for that amount of time as well. We are hoping this law changes and that it would be a standard adoption by the time we would be reconsidering. Another reason we decided against it is because of the cost. Making a baby the way we did did not come cheap so we couldn’t afford the costs of a lawyer to navigate us through the adoption process. We haven’t looked at the legal aspect of adoption or costs in quite some time so this section is a bit off so please take the time to check these things out if the laws have changed recently and let me know if they have. For now we are both happy with the way things are and know in the future things might have to change.

Making Emma (Pt 2) – Picking the Donor

August 16, 2018Emma Has Two Moms

Choosing the donor was a decision that took a whole lot of time and figuring things out. We knew that we both wanted to be pregnant so going in we knew that we would have to figure out what donor we would use. Would we use the same donor, a different donor each, if we did use the same donor we would have to buy the sperm all at once and hope it would take first try, would there still be some left if it took more than once. There are so many factors that we had to consider which took even more time. We went back and forth between using a donor that had a mix of ethnicities that we could use for both babies or using a different donor for each child. Using the same donor the children would be biologically related to each other, but financially we would not be able to afford all of the cost up front for both children. We both agreed that choosing separate donors would allow us to choose donors that fit the specific ethnicities and characteristics of the other so there was a chance that our children could look like both of us. We were able to choose specific traits that were close to mine when choosing the donor for Emma and that made it so Emma looks a lot like me!

This process was a little easier to navigate because the fertility office gave us a list of the different cryobanks to check out. We checked out websites for each of the clinics and looked at their costs and reviews. Based on everything we found we decided on California Cryobank, they offered a detailed system and the most information about each donor including background checks, health history, and the availability of using the donor privately. These were key factors that we needed and went about looking for the other half of Emma’s DNA. We mainly based our search on ethnicity due to me being Heinz 57 over here and we wanted to make sure that Emma would be somewhat close to me so that she looked like a good blend of the both of us. We searched for both Caucasian and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander as our criteria because those are my two main ethnicities and the physical traits that I show. We were able to find 3 donors that matched our specifications and we narrowed it down from there.

California Cryobank

This cryobank gives a ton of information including background checks, personal interviews and interviews done by the staff at the bank, 3rd degree relative health history, and even pictures. When we were ready to purchase our sperm, we had to sit in the living room and hook up the computer to the largest tv we owned, we then put the candidates info up and did an informal presentation for each other about each donor. For me personally this was a very weird experience, we were choosing the other half of our future child’s DNA based on something written on paper and a photo from when they were young children. It’s a very sterile experience for a very personal and intense thing. We were drawn to two of the three donors we found due to health history and schooling, eventually the one we chose won out due to time frame their deposits were made and the education level that the donors had. At the time we had looked at our donor, they had 4 successful pregnancies and 4 live births which we took as a good sign as well. Ultimately the fact that the winning swimmers were private also helped them win out. We purchased our vial and had it sent to the physician’s office and they took it from there. Once we knew the pregnancy took, we had to report it to the cryobank, and then report again once Emma was born. The cryobank keeps track of each successful pregnancy and birth for their donors and it is displayed on their profiles along with the amount of vials left should you want to get more than one vial for multiple attempts or future children.

A question we get more often than we would like is why we did things privately and not just open. For us, we were purchasing those swimmers simply to help make our child, the donor is just that, a donor, not a father, not a parent. Many people I know who were raised very conservatively had had this question a lot, especially stating the fact that Emma “will never know her father.” My favorite comeback is that legally I am her father per her birth certificate and the state of Arizona (another story for another time). The thing I have to always remind them of is simple, she has two moms and no father. DNA doesn’t make a father, I know this from first hand experience; my biological father forgot I exist even though he helped “make” me and I share half of his DNA, he isn’t my father. My father came into my life when I was a young child, no DNA connection between us, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t my father. Emma has two mothers, one biologically connected to her and one that isn’t and that shouldn’t matter; what matters is that she has two mothers who are there every day, who love her, care for her, and put her before everything and anything.

Making Emma (pt 1)

August 3, 2018August 24, 2018Emma Has Two Moms

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Figuring out how to start a family was one of the most difficult things I think we’ve ever done, and we did a 95% DIY wedding for under 5K so that’s saying a lot. We did as any normal 20 and 30 something does and went immediately to Pinterest where we found a whole lotta nada. We took to the regular ole internet as well, but again we struck out. We ended up having to make an appointment with our regular OB/GYN to try to get some information. When we saw our physician things became even more confusing because even they had no answers for us except for a list that was made in 2012 and half of the physicians weren’t even in the state any longer. We went off of the list and found two fertility practices that were accepting new patients, within our insurance network, and in a reasonable driving distance. We had two appointments with different offices, our first was at Bloom and the second was scheduled for the following week with a different physician (after rescheduling a few times). We went in with absolutely no idea of what we were doing and what the plan would be. We met with the Nurse Practitioner for our consultation and get information that we needed and we just clicked. She explained every question we came up with and gave us information on things we hadn’t thought about. She gave us a complete breakdown of our timeline of events with all the appointments we would have and walked out with a folder full of information. We found out that we would need to choose sperm from a bank and once Diana had her cycle we could start the process. Due to Diana being on a special prescription for acne we decided to hold off for a month to ensure that would be out of her system due to risk factors for pregnancy. We did decide to use this upcoming ovulation cycle to do all of the diagnostic work so we wouldn’t be going in blind for when it was go time. The diagnostic work would include ultrasounds, a procedure to check her tubes and ovaries, as well as a bunch of blood work to test everything they could. Once the appointment with the NP was completed we then went and spoke to their financial counselor. She answered every question I had (and there were a bunch considering what I do for a living) and we had a good idea what this process would cost us. We left that appointment knowing that this office was the one for us and ended up calling our consultation with the other office and cancelling the appointment.

We went in for the first ultrasound that checked her ovaries and did blood work to check prenatal levels. A week later we went in for a procedure where a dye was injected into her uterus to check the size, this also flowed into her tubes and ovaries. The right tubes were open and clear, the left tubes were “asleep” which we found out, luckily for us this procedure made it so things were opened up. On the last day of her next cycle we went in for blood work and started counting down our days. We went in following week because that was when she should be ovulating to see when we do the insemination where they did an ultrasound to check the eggs. We decided to give it a few more days because Diana’s cycles were not regular to begin with so she might not have a typical ovulation cycle. Four days later we went in for a second ultrasound to check the eggs, they were slow and weren’t ready yet. At this point we decided it would be best for us to do a semi-round of hormones, 1 full dose over 2 days to see if that wakes the eggs up. After the dose, we had another ultrasound to check the eggs again, they were present but we still weren’t quite there. We discussed it and decided that due to the hormones working the first time we would do a full course, three full shots over three days. Over the next three nights I had the job of giving Diana her shots, 2 inches to the left of her belly button at a 90° angle. On November 14th we had our last ultrasound to check how the hormones worked and they did their magic perfectly. Today was the day to do the “trigger” shot. I gave Diana the shot at 10:30 that night due to the shot needing 36 hours to get her body ready. That trigger shot told was the one that would tell her body it was time to release the egg.

November 16th was the day, our emotions were everywhere and the nerves were high for the both of us. We had very high hopes that everything would work and that it would only take us one try. We slept in to try to make us more relaxed and headed to the office. We went to the side of the office we had never been in and Diana sat on the table as normal. There were some awesome pictures taken because they gave her a pillow case instead of blanket to cover up so she was a bit scandalous trying to cover up her bits. Our doctor and the nurse practitioner came in and reassured us of everything and gave us information about our sperm. We had over 2 million little swimmers ready to go from Donor #13812. The NP got everything ready set up and drew the sperm into a vial with a very long plastic tube. She aligned everything and took a test shot, at this point I was able to take over and push the sperm in the rest of the way. It was a few push, hold 5 seconds, push again all until every last swimmer was in. So unlike some couples in our situation, I am truly able to say I knocked my wife up!! After this the NP had Diana lie down for 20 minutes to make sure everything was ok and she didn’t have a reaction to anything that happened. We were then released and went through a nightmare of trying to get her progesterone cream, a hormone to help supplement due to her prenatal levels. The rest of the day was spent laying on the couch doing nothing but keeping her butt up and staying relaxed. One week later Diana went for routine blood work and found her progesterone levels were low, they upped dose of the cream and she started using the same amount twice a day to help out.

November 30th was by far the most nerve wracking day of my life. I couldn’t go to work because my emotions had the better of me all day. I don’t think either of us slept too well the night before. Diana went to have her blood drawn and then went to work for the morning because they were down people and felt bad about not being there all day. She did tell the office because they said they would call with the results so she made sure to tell them not to call until after 1:00 so we could be together for the call. I received numerous text messages from my mom and coworkers all morning, I think some were asking at every half hour mark. We ended up going out to lunch because we were both starving by the time Diana got home. We went to Panera thinking we wouldn’t get a call for a few hours because they told Diana they don’t usually call patients until after 3. So we were eating when Diana’s phone rang at 1:08, she recognized the phone number and it was the call. We answered and the NP asked us if we were ready to have another person for the holidays next year. I immediately started crying, Diana held it together until we left *just barely.* Once we hung up we just sat in shock for a few moments as it sank in that we are going to be parents. We finished our lunch and then sat and tried to figure out the best way to tell our parents. We decided in person was best so we had a plan to go to the store and find something to surprise them with. We landed on gender neutral onesies and wrapped them up and went on our mission. We first went to my mom’s office because hers was the closest stop. We brought in the wrapped onesie and then the tears started all over again. Once we left there we headed over to my mother-in-law’s office and were introduced to everyone there. We then brought the gift to my dad at home as a “late birthday gift” and our final stop was to my father-in-law’s house where we gave him the onesie and then facetimed with my sister-in-law. Our final visit was to see Grandpa to tell him in person since Grandma found out earlier. Once we had told our family members, we let our select friends in on the secret. We told most by text or picture of a positive pregnancy test.

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On December 20th we were almost as nervous when we found as we were for this appointment. It was the first time we would see our future child and that was super emotional. The NP came in, got in position and we saw our baby for the first time. It looked like a peanut with a yolk sack, but then we saw the heart flutter. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time made it more real, up to that point it still hadn’t completely sunk in yet. We had weekly ultrasounds with the fertility clinic until we were 10 weeks pregnant which just so happened to be Diana’s 31st birthday. From there we were released to our regular OB/GYN for the remainder of the pregnancy.

29 weeks later, on August 3rd at 2:16 pm, our Emma Leimomi was born. Tomorrow is her 1st birthday and I can’t believe that it has been an entire year of being her moms. Our lives have changed completely for the better and the rollercoaster we’ve been on has been the most thrilling ride that I never want to stop. Obviously there are more stories about how we made her, but that will be for another day and another time. For now I will say Happy Birthday Eve to my baby and I love you more than words can ever express.

Here goes nothing…

August 1, 2018August 1, 2018Emma Has Two Moms

“Openness may not completely disarm prejudice, but it’s a good place to start.”–Jason Collins, first openly gay athlete in U.S. pro sports

I am a lesbian, this is a blog about lesbian and some straight people and things, mainly two lesbians who started a family.

Now that we have cleared the air let’s begin. I have written and rewritten this first post many, many times. It’s not easy to sit and write about yourself and then realize the amount of shit you will receive for being just that. I wanted to start this blog because the whole two lesbians starting a family is really difficult to figure out, like ridiculously difficult. The process of just figuring out Step 1 was like trying to navigate your city in 2018 with a map that was hand drawn in 1937. Once we started though it wasn’t easy sailing from there on, it was one of the most confusing journeys all the way until we heard that first cry from our little girl. But that is why this is important to get out there. The journey it took to create the beautiful family I have took time and confusion and science and love, and I think it’s pretty freaking awesome. Baby Lesbians, there is hope, you can show this to your parents when they inevitably cry “I’ll never be a grandparent,” give them hope and understanding that it can happen, it happens EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

I am so fortunate that I found my person, she has helped me become the adult I am; literally, we’ve been together since I was 19 years old. Because of her I have the most beautiful, amazing daughter who we are watching grow and with that watching our relationship grow as well. If you ever want to really test your relationship, have a kid. I’m not even kidding, they are blessings, but damn they make you look at your spouse in a whole different way. Hell, it makes every relationship you have change and evolve, for me, I’m glad I get to say it’s all been for the better.

Through this blog I will share our life, past, present, and future. I hope that I can help people who were in our shoes not too long ago so that starting that family and making that baby is something that can be done with ease. I hope that those baby lesbians and gays out there at 13 questioning if their lives are worth living because of the fear of being their authentic selves see this and realize that it is ok and that the dream of finding love and having a family can happen. Lastly, I am an open book (though there are still a couple chapters that are in progress) so ask me anything. Let me know your fears, experiences, and life stories.