Choosing the donor was a decision that took a whole lot of time and figuring things out. We knew that we both wanted to be pregnant so going in we knew that we would have to figure out what donor we would use. Would we use the same donor, a different donor each, if we did use the same donor we would have to buy the sperm all at once and hope it would take first try, would there still be some left if it took more than once. There are so many factors that we had to consider which took even more time. We went back and forth between using a donor that had a mix of ethnicities that we could use for both babies or using a different donor for each child. Using the same donor the children would be biologically related to each other, but financially we would not be able to afford all of the cost up front for both children. We both agreed that choosing separate donors would allow us to choose donors that fit the specific ethnicities and characteristics of the other so there was a chance that our children could look like both of us. We were able to choose specific traits that were close to mine when choosing the donor for Emma and that made it so Emma looks a lot like me!
This process was a little easier to navigate because the fertility office gave us a list of the different cryobanks to check out. We checked out websites for each of the clinics and looked at their costs and reviews. Based on everything we found we decided on California Cryobank, they offered a detailed system and the most information about each donor including background checks, health history, and the availability of using the donor privately. These were key factors that we needed and went about looking for the other half of Emma’s DNA. We mainly based our search on ethnicity due to me being Heinz 57 over here and we wanted to make sure that Emma would be somewhat close to me so that she looked like a good blend of the both of us. We searched for both Caucasian and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander as our criteria because those are my two main ethnicities and the physical traits that I show. We were able to find 3 donors that matched our specifications and we narrowed it down from there.
This cryobank gives a ton of information including background checks, personal interviews and interviews done by the staff at the bank, 3rd degree relative health history, and even pictures. When we were ready to purchase our sperm, we had to sit in the living room and hook up the computer to the largest tv we owned, we then put the candidates info up and did an informal presentation for each other about each donor. For me personally this was a very weird experience, we were choosing the other half of our future child’s DNA based on something written on paper and a photo from when they were young children. It’s a very sterile experience for a very personal and intense thing. We were drawn to two of the three donors we found due to health history and schooling, eventually the one we chose won out due to time frame their deposits were made and the education level that the donors had. At the time we had looked at our donor, they had 4 successful pregnancies and 4 live births which we took as a good sign as well. Ultimately the fact that the winning swimmers were private also helped them win out. We purchased our vial and had it sent to the physician’s office and they took it from there. Once we knew the pregnancy took, we had to report it to the cryobank, and then report again once Emma was born. The cryobank keeps track of each successful pregnancy and birth for their donors and it is displayed on their profiles along with the amount of vials left should you want to get more than one vial for multiple attempts or future children.
A question we get more often than we would like is why we did things privately and not just open. For us, we were purchasing those swimmers simply to help make our child, the donor is just that, a donor, not a father, not a parent. Many people I know who were raised very conservatively had had this question a lot, especially stating the fact that Emma “will never know her father.” My favorite comeback is that legally I am her father per her birth certificate and the state of Arizona (another story for another time). The thing I have to always remind them of is simple, she has two moms and no father. DNA doesn’t make a father, I know this from first hand experience; my biological father forgot I exist even though he helped “make” me and I share half of his DNA, he isn’t my father. My father came into my life when I was a young child, no DNA connection between us, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t my father. Emma has two mothers, one biologically connected to her and one that isn’t and that shouldn’t matter; what matters is that she has two mothers who are there every day, who love her, care for her, and put her before everything and anything.
Emma Has Two Moms 